When you’ve been writing essays for as long as I have, you’re bound to learn some of the tricks that are necessary for churning them out like water from a tap. It is not hard at all to write an ‘A’ English paper in less than twelve minutes and thirty seconds. The skill would do well as an extreme sport. I’m here to tell you the “tricks of the trade”: You need preparation, the correct circumstances, and a good method.
Before you can begin your speed-essay, you need to mentally prepare yourself for the challenge. The best way to do this is by reading. Whenever you have a free moment, spend it reading a book. Any book will do, whether its fiction or nonfiction, so long as you enjoy it. The more you read, the more you can subconsciously imitate what you’ve read to make it seem like you’ve actually spent hours meticulously writing everything you’ve only spent two minutes on.
You should also be able to type. Hunting and pecking for keys will take a lot of time. However, if the job is done properly, writing an essay on a computer is insurmountably faster than writing the same essay by hand. A great way to learn to type is to get AOL Instant Messenger, or a comparible online chat program, and attempt to carry on conversations with thirty people at once. Most people learn to type very well in around eighth grade for this reason.
Before you start your essay, it is also important to perfect the circumstances under which you write it. Make sure that you have a deadline. It is, unfortunately, impossible to complete a great essay in less than twelve minutes and thirty seconds without a deadline, preferably within the next half-hour. There always has to be something at stake. Otherwise, your essay will have no focus.
Make yourself a quiet, comfortable, and clean space in front of a computer or at a desk. The entire area should be completely free of distractions. Annoying little brothers should be locked into their rooms; girlfriends should be directed to your voicemail; and computer games, email, and the internet should be firmly closed. No matter how little time you spend distracted from your essay will always have to spend twice as much time finishing it. Feel free to distract yourself when you’re done writing.
Once you’ve completely prepared yourself and perfected your surroundings, you can actually start. But unless you already know exactly what you’re going to say, don’t start writing right away. Think about your essay for at least two and a half minutes. Consider what your teacher (or whoever is going to be reading it) is looking for. Completely pander to whatever you think that the reader will want from your essay. Flatter the reader, subtly, at every opportunity. If it is done correctly, this will dramatically increase your chances of getting a favorable review.
It is amazing how much time speedy essay-writing can save you. You can use this skill at every opportunity to get the most out of the remainder of your day. (Just don’t say that you heard this from me.)
Photo credit: "Homework Sucks [Day 4]," by Flickr user Chaparral [Kendra], under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic License.
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One thing that came to mind while reading this is that you went through college in such a different time than I did. Even though it was roughly only 5 or so years (I am an '03 grad). I didn't even barely use the web until the late 90s and even then, dial-up was most common for the computers that I used.
The world really did change right around the turn of the century or so. I am glad that I stayed in college long enough to really see it happen.
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